Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hindsight is 20 20

As I sit at my desk, day after day, I ALWAYS question what on earth I was thinking...I mean really!?! Before I got pregnant my biggest worry was if I'd be able to make it to the barn to ride before dark......or if I'd be ready for my Martha Josey barrel racing clinic....Now, I fight back the urge to break down and cry when I call to check on my baby and he's fussing in the back ground.

I hate it. I hate that I cant be there to nurse him to sleep, like he loves to do. I hate that I cant be there to teach him his words, shapes and colors. I hate even more that I worry that he'll be behind because of those things. Don't get me wrong, I do my best after working all day to come home and spend quality time doing those things. It's hard and if I'm spending all my free time making up for lost time with Aden, I don't have time to do other things. Like work around the house or ride Shasta. I have a wonderful barrel horse, in a pasture, outside my back door and I cant seem to find time to ride. How would I justify spending more time away for my baby boy?

I've found a wonderful, lovely lady, that is more than willing to help me haul to playdays and barrel races, all I need to do is do it....I mean that doesn't come along very often. So why don't I suck it up and do it?  Well, here's why, even after riding and feeling like the barrel racing goal is becoming closer, who I want to be as a mother slips further away...I don't want to be that mother, the mother who chooses horses, or whatever it is, over time with her children. I feel the need to delete this post, because I feel like I'm complaining and taking everything I have for granted..but I wont apologize for being human, or for wanting to be a better person.

Yes, I decided not to sell Shasta. I thought letting her go would be easy. I thought it might even be a relief. I was wrong. I cried and begged James to do something, to somehow open that magical door he possesses and make things better. I kept her. I even started riding a bit and making new goals for myself, then the guilt sets in. The - I- don't- want- to - be -selfish- guilt. James tells me that it's not selfish and that I need time for myself, I know he's right. It doesn't change the overwhelming joy I feel on the weekends when I spend 24-7 with Aden, and the overwhelming despair I feel when I'm without him.

So, I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a minute.  I'm going to envy all the stay at home moms that get to kiss their babies when they want to. I'm going to feel sorry for all the missed time, the unfinished baby book, the photos that still haven't been hung on the wall or sent out to family, the half-painted room and the fights I pick with James because, after all, it's his fault. (<----Sarcasm for the thick headed a**holes that read this.)

I know one thing, what I'm feeling right now goes away. As soon as I get home and see him it all goes away. Everything I'm feeling now fades and I'm happy. I feed him dinner and even "junk" sometimes:

And yes, I upload pics from my phone, because...you guessed it...I just don't have time to mess with my camera.

AND, Aden took 5 steps yesterday. To me and no-one else.


Stephanie said...

Every mom needs time to do something for themselves. We give so much of ourselves to everyone else and only other moms will ever know that feeling. As hard as it is to find time to ride, just think that if you rode 3 times a week, it would make you happy and I know my baby enjoys me a lot more when I'm happy and not burnt out. It's not selfish to want to do something for yourself after doing so much for everyone around you.

Brynn said...

Thanks Stephanie, I know it's the right thing to do. Now, just to do it!

chari burt said...

stephanie is right , brynn. i am a stay at home mom and even i need time for myself sometimes . plus i know aden knows that u do love him and u will have time to teach him everything he needs to know . and it hard road we have to follow as moms but we do it and hopefully have great hubby's to help us out and great family members and freinds too .

Megan Brown said...

This was a really good one. I wish you updated more often... but obviously there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything out of you that everyone wants. I could try to give you advice again but we both know the reason you posted about it was because there are no good answers. It just has to pan out the way it has been. If your heart wants to stay inside with Aden every moment that you can, then just ride when you really want to. I do want to say though, that you are really hard on yourself as a mother... There are so many working moms out there that CHOOSE to work and get childcare for their children and never see them... can you imagine? WANTING to stay away from them? You are already a wonderful mommy just for thinking this way. He'll always know he has a mommy that loves him more than life.