Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hindsight is 20 20

As I sit at my desk, day after day, I ALWAYS question what on earth I was thinking...I mean really!?! Before I got pregnant my biggest worry was if I'd be able to make it to the barn to ride before dark......or if I'd be ready for my Martha Josey barrel racing clinic....Now, I fight back the urge to break down and cry when I call to check on my baby and he's fussing in the back ground.

I hate it. I hate that I cant be there to nurse him to sleep, like he loves to do. I hate that I cant be there to teach him his words, shapes and colors. I hate even more that I worry that he'll be behind because of those things. Don't get me wrong, I do my best after working all day to come home and spend quality time doing those things. It's hard and if I'm spending all my free time making up for lost time with Aden, I don't have time to do other things. Like work around the house or ride Shasta. I have a wonderful barrel horse, in a pasture, outside my back door and I cant seem to find time to ride. How would I justify spending more time away for my baby boy?

I've found a wonderful, lovely lady, that is more than willing to help me haul to playdays and barrel races, all I need to do is do it....I mean that doesn't come along very often. So why don't I suck it up and do it?  Well, here's why, even after riding and feeling like the barrel racing goal is becoming closer, who I want to be as a mother slips further away...I don't want to be that mother, the mother who chooses horses, or whatever it is, over time with her children. I feel the need to delete this post, because I feel like I'm complaining and taking everything I have for granted..but I wont apologize for being human, or for wanting to be a better person.

Yes, I decided not to sell Shasta. I thought letting her go would be easy. I thought it might even be a relief. I was wrong. I cried and begged James to do something, to somehow open that magical door he possesses and make things better. I kept her. I even started riding a bit and making new goals for myself, then the guilt sets in. The - I- don't- want- to - be -selfish- guilt. James tells me that it's not selfish and that I need time for myself, I know he's right. It doesn't change the overwhelming joy I feel on the weekends when I spend 24-7 with Aden, and the overwhelming despair I feel when I'm without him.

So, I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a minute.  I'm going to envy all the stay at home moms that get to kiss their babies when they want to. I'm going to feel sorry for all the missed time, the unfinished baby book, the photos that still haven't been hung on the wall or sent out to family, the half-painted room and the fights I pick with James because, after all, it's his fault. (<----Sarcasm for the thick headed a**holes that read this.)

I know one thing, what I'm feeling right now goes away. As soon as I get home and see him it all goes away. Everything I'm feeling now fades and I'm happy. I feed him dinner and even "junk" sometimes:

And yes, I upload pics from my phone, because...you guessed it...I just don't have time to mess with my camera.

AND, Aden took 5 steps yesterday. To me and no-one else.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

The watermelon from our garden.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Every little thing....

Reminds me of how quickly Aden is growing up. My little sister is having a baby. This past weekend we all went to Houston for her baby shower. Saturday we went with Amber and Ty to help them with their maternity pics. They came out awesome! It's just so weird to think that last year just a few months prior Amber was in Dallas helping me with MY maternity pics. Funny how life works out like that. Aden and Connor will only be 1 year and 3 mos apart! It's just too bad we live 4 1/2 hrs away!

I'm happy for them though. They have so many people down there that are going to help them in such HUGE ways. Really, I don't think they'll realize just how much that's going to mean in a few months. It's good to know they wont want for a baby sitter, that's for sure! Mr. Connor is the first grand baby down there, so he's going to be SPOILED! Just how God intended babies to be. It was also great to see some of our family that live close to Houston that we don't get to see very often.

On another note, December has been weighing on my mind. In December it will be 10 years that James and I have been together. Yes, we have always celebrated that date. The date we fell in love. It just seems rights since we never had an actual "wedding". I always said on our ten year I wanted to have a real wedding! Doesn't look like that will happen but I'm so happy that we've made it this far and have accomplished this much together. Our love has been the glue that keeps us together, year after year. Hopefully we can think of a nice way to celebrate it this year!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Eye on the prize.

It's hard for me to keep my eye on the prize. Which the "prize" for me at this point is paying off our debt so that I can be a SAHM with Aden and hopefully to a new baby in at least two years. Two years seems like a long way away but in reality it's nothing. Really, I was looking at some old videos of mine on YouTube when I first got Shasta and it's been FOUR YEARS since I got her. It doesn't even seem real. I feel like I did not reach my goal I had intended on when I purchased Shasta (my barrel racing horse) at all. This makes me sick. Just sick. But things change and sometimes new goals replace old ones. The truth of the matter is no matter how much I love being around and riding horses; I know my time with my family at this stage is irreplaceable.

This is why I’m so determined to keep on track with our current “plan”. I'm trying to stay positive. Every day working and being away from Aden when I want to be a home putting all my effort into him, it's hard. I love my family so deeply and want what's best for us all.

AND, I need to lose this baby weight. 20 lbs and they're not budging. I need to get an obtainable goal and stick with it. I think the main problem here is that there are just not enough hours in the day to complete my never ending task that I know I need to do. I've decided to "commit" to working out on my lunch break. I love food too much to "starve" the baby weight off which means the only other way is to burn it off!

Side note:

I intended this blog to be a place where everyone could go on updates on Aden. While it's done just that, it's also a place where I can go and just write out what's going on in my head. Cheap therapy is what Stephanie called it! And that it is. Anyway, I'm rambling sorry. I just wanted to thank all of my dear friends and family that read it and comment on my blog. Y'all have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you!

Aden has such the little personality. My mini - me for sure. Remember when he was crawling / climbing on the dishwasher.

Like this.

Well he has "upgraded" to this:

The months of summer are flying by.