Is what I feel like sometimes. Before Aden I had an unlimited amount of freedom that allowed me to do the things I love..like working to become the best rider I can be, learning to barrel race, going on fishing trips with my husband..I don't think anyone can ever understand just how much freedom is gone when you have a baby. I feel torn between the person I was and the person I am now, every day..There's the mother that wants nothing more than to spend every minute with Aden and be totally consumed by the blessing that he is. The person that would sell both of the horses to make it financially feasible to have another baby in a few years.. Most of the time, more often than not, this is who I am.
But my other side tries to escape. The side that wants to ride every day and start on barrels again. The side that would like one day to just go fishing. I understand that there are people out there that have family members that take their kids for entire weekends to give mom and dad a break. We're not one of those families. And to tell you the truth I don't think I'd want Aden gone all weekend, I'm at work 12 hrs a day as it is. I guess sometimes I would like to be just one person. I wish I didn't have an overwhelming need to ride horses. They give me freedom every time I climb on. My worries melt away in the saddle. On the other hand riding around in my small pasture is depressing and offers no challenge. I've advanced beyond the point of riding around for fun..I want more. Reality is I cant have that right now. And 90 % of the time I'm totally happy with hanging out at home with James and Aden. Right now I just have to come to terms with the fact that I cant have both. Both people cant exist..not on our budget anyway. LOL